This may not be for everyone. Might be too much of an inside joke if following sports is not normally your thing. But I am sure there will be plenty of relevance for you here should you want to read something more accessible. I recommend looking up "tags" and click a topic you might like.
The following is actually make believe. For more on Bobby Knight you may read a previous post I did. I really doubt the guy who wrote this knows him personally because his life expectancy might be 15 minutes.
Ed
The Dagger Analyst Previews: 'Bob Knight' on the Big East
By MJD
It's no secret that college basketball has the best, or at least most charismatic, analysts in televised sport. In the spirit of that tradition, we asked a talking head you've heard of to riff on a different conference each day this week. Monday it was
Bill Raftery on the Big Ten, yesterday it was Dick Vitale on the ACC and today it's Bob Knight on the Big East. (Hint: Not really, though.)
Dan Shulman
: I'm Dan Shulman alongside legendary head coach Bobby Knight, here to bring you a preview of the 2008/2009 Big East season, and Coach Knight, it's great to have you here.Bob Knight
: It's good to be here, Dan, and I'm looking forward to getting out on the road calling some Big East games this year, and hopefully we'll see some --Shulman
: It'll be an honor to work with you, Coach Knight.Knight
: Well, I appreciate you saying that, Dan, but let me tell you this, as well: If you interrupt me again, I will break your arm. Do you understand me, son? I will grab you by the elbow and the wrist, and I will smash your forearm into the side of this broadcast table until your bone snaps.Shulman
: Well, um ... ha ha, that's pretty ... that's funny, Coach Knight, and we all love your dry sense of humor.Knight
: (silence)Shulman
: So, um, onto the conference preview, Coach. Who do like to be cutting down the nets in Madison Square Garden at the end of the Big East tournament?Knight: Dan, I don't want to see anybody cutting down the nets, because that's official Madison Square Garden property, and I don't condone vandalism on any level. But I really think UConn will be your Big East champion, depending on what they get out of their big man, Thabeet, who I'm still not sure isn't just all hype. I love Jeff Adrian as a bruiser in the post, and A.J. Price should be fantastic as a point guard. Jim Calhoun, who is a great coach, has an amazing roster, and in any other year, they'd be a clear preseason No. 1.
Shulman
: I assume you're making reference to the stacked roster of the Carolina Tar Heels.Knight
: I am, Dan, and Roy Williams, who is a great coach, has an incredible group of kids coming back. Not that I give a damn about these preseason rankings, because it's November, and no one's accomplished anything yet. Especially this damn producer who keeps whispering in my ear to keep my comments brief. If he doesn't learn to have a little bit of respect for me, he's going to find his briefs yanked so far up his crack at the hands of a Bob Knight wedgie that it'll take a surgeon to remove them.Shulman
: Back (gulp) to the Big East, coach ... who else do you like in this conference?Knight
: I like Pittsburgh, Dan, and I'll tell you why: Because Sam Young has the upper body of a damn longshoreman, and if that kid is under the age of 35, then I won Miss Congeniality in the 1963 Miss Sweden pageant. They've got an experienced roster, they play a physical game, and Jamie Dixon is a great coach.Shulman
: Anyone else in this conference you can see getting to a Final Four, coach?Knight
: Well, I like Notre Dame, because --Shulman
: The Fighting Irish! Digger Phelps predicted that they'd do well, too.Knight
: Dan ... (Knight grabs Shulman's arm and breaks it over the broadcast table, leaving Shulman screaming in pain)Shulman
: HELP! DOCTOR! AMBULANCE! SOMEBODY HELP!Knight:
(as the production team stands frozen in terror) Shut up. Just shut up, Dan. You will finish this show with a broken arm, or I will break your leg, too. Rub a little dirt on it, and stop crying. I told you this would happen. And when I tell you to stop crying, son, you damn well better bite your lower lip and find a way to stem the flow of tears.Now, back to Notre Dame. First of all, I don't give one pigeon's rectum about what Digger Phelps thinks about Notre Dame, because Digger would predict that Notre Dame's rowing team would win the national title even if they didn't have any paddles. But with Kyle McAlarney shooting from the perimeter and Luke Harangody making teams miserable in the post, Notre Dame should be able to play any style effectively. And Mike Brey is a great coach.
Shulman
: (sniff) Um ... Louisville? Oh God, it hurts so bad ...Knight
: I love Louisville's pressure defense run by Rick Pitino, who is a great coach. I think people are overstating how much the loss of Derrick Caracter hurts this team, because that guy was more of a character than he ever was a basketball player (smiles, slaps Shulman on the back, and glares at him).Shulman
: Huh? Oh ... oh, HAHAHA, coach, good one. Someone please call an ambulance for me, or a battered women's shelter, anything ...Knight
: All in all, Dan, I think this is a conference that could have nine or 10 tournament-quality teams. Marquette will miss great coach Tom Crean, but they've got a great backcourt. Georgetown lost a lot, but John Thompson III, who is a great coach, won't let them slip too far. You can never ignore the work ethic of a Bob Huggins team, because he's a great coach, and he's got an excellent freshman class coming in. And Scottie Reynolds of Villanova is an absolute joy to watch. And Jay Wright is a great coach.Shulman
: Owwwwww ... Syracuse?Knight:
I think Syracuse will get back in the tournament this year, because Jim Boeheim is a great coach, even though he plays that pansy 2-3 zone, which is exactly what I would play if I was a little girl first blossoming into womanhood. But they've got experience in the backcourt, and I think they get back in the NCAA Tournament this year.Shulman
: I think I'm going to pass out ... I see a light ... there's grandma ...Knight
: As for possible surprises from the bottom of the conference, watch out for Rutgers, who had a great recruiting class, and South Florida, who has a higher talent level than anyone thinks. Fred Hill and Stan Heath are also great coaches.Shulman
: Oh, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, KNIGHT. Is there any coach in the country who ISN'T a great coach?Knight
: That's an interesting point, son. Just stay right there for a second (Knight gets up, walks to the other side of the studio and picks up a potted plant, and then smashes it over Shulman's head). You want to be a smart-ass, do you, Shulman? Fine with me (Knight takes a microphone cord and wraps it around Shulman's neck, slowly choking him out with it ... Shulman's legs kick, and he looks around for help, but no one else moves ... eventually his legs stop kicking and Knight releases Shulman's pale blue face from his clutches).I think that'll wrap up our Big East preview, right, boys? I'm going fishing. If Shulman dies, tell his wife it was an accident.
Related:
Big East Basketball, Conference Previews--
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