The Life You Save May Be Your Own

"There's no one as honest as those in pain " -
 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Very sad but if we can learn even  one thing that can help someone then it will be so worth it. I know the person who wrote this and I knew her sister who is no longer with us. This piece is so raw that it is very uncomfortable to read. Welcome to the world of those in pain. Maybe I am being idealistic but if you learn one thing that will allow you to relate to a person who is undergoing internal turmoil, you will never know if that rapport will prevent them from a fatal tipping point. Suicide is real. You can also be a real suicide deterrent with some love and understanding. 

Ed 

[TW: SUICIDE/DEP]

OKAY SO. It’s a strange feeling, having something like 13 Reasons Why blow up not too long ago and realize that for the first time you’ve fallen under the demographic trigger warnings are for. What? Sorry to anyone who’s had to deal with me the past month. I’ve been pissy and angry and everything quiet in between-- 

The year is 2014. Around this time, my sister is buying pizza for me and my 10 year old brother. She never does that. It’s a Sunday. Our parents are out of town. We play cards. She wins. She’s deleting files. There was no note. 

Until then we had been together almost every day of our lives. 

And maybe it’s because of shows like 13rw, or the recent influx of media personalities passing away under similar circumstances that I’ve been hearing conversations budding (good or bad?). These kids are sad. Suddenly people are asking again. They say they didn’t ask to be born. I wish I knew what to say. 

Just don’t do it. I know the world can be a little like A Tale of Two Cities. You're in the same place, but yours is sadder and darker than that of the people around you. Not everyone is going to understand. People will be insensitive and abusive when they don't have to be. You watch a video of a child getting a hand transplant and suddenly you're hagulgoling on the floor.

My sister made herself appear to be happy and strong (and she WAS, but nobody is strong all the time). She had issues. Mostly to do with her body and how it never looked the way she wanted it to. And I used to feel guilty talking about it. Like I was spilling a secret. And I could blame beauty standards, or the weird prestige we place on having a "good body" (spoiler: ALL bodies are good bodies), or the way we (don’t) talk about mental health in this country. But at the end of the day, this is the reality we live in. 

Before it happened I had been off anti-deps for about a year and feeling pretty optimistic about things. And now I’m sad. There are so many feelings, all wild and confusing and I don’t know what to do with them all. Nights are long. Sleep is difficult. 

And I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for it, because of course we’re all sorry and of course it hurt a lot of people. And I’m not sure what happens to you when you kill yourself, but I have some idea about what happens to the people you leave behind. 

I. There’s this kind of pain I still don’t understand. I’ve never felt so hurt in my life, and yet I still love her the most a person can. I’m functioning but I'm buggy. Like something's missing. Like something's been missing. I want to be home. But home was where you were. Where is home now

II. You were the only person on earth who understood me without me having to say anything. I never felt incomplete despite my imperfections, my incurable shyness, my intense awkwardness, because I had you. You could do everything I couldn’t do: you had more friends, laughed as hard as you liked, danced without music, hugged the people you cared about. Now I feel like I lost my other half. The half that could

III. I miss our inside jokes. I miss when we would laugh and we were the only ones who understood why. I miss having a sister. Us against the world, and I love you. I love you. I love you. And I don’t know if you believed in God towards the end, but the first prayer after you left— I’ve never prayed harder in my life

IV. Now my brother and mother hold me so close. Like I’m going to disappear. And I can’t help but feel like they’re trying to hold on to you. But I’m not You! I understand as much as anyone the void you left. And I feel such pressure to fill it for them, because our family is hurting, and they have so many questions about you. What have you done

V. I hope it didn’t hurt. The tabloids got your name wrong. It would have been me if you didn’t go first

VI. I am a different person. You were such a big part of who I was that I don’t even know who I am trying to be now

VII. You had the rest of your life. Things would’ve been different in 3 years

VIII.  You hurt a lot of people. What about all the things we were supposed to do? You would’ve been a good part of a lot of people’s lives. They won’t be able to meet you now. The best sister in the world. It was so dumb to think we could be together forever. I can’t stop thinking about you. The day keeps playing over and over. I didn’t know it was our last conversation, our last game of cards, the last time I would hear you laugh. (Why can’t I remember what it sounds like)

IX. It’s so difficult seeing people so happy when you are so sad. You’re still the same in my dreams, and one day I might be 80 and old and bent and wrinkly and you’ll still be 18. Your hair will never change, you’ll never graduate, never fall in love. You won’t have any new stories to tell

X. Who are you now? I haven’t seen you in 3 years

XI.  Ways to Say I Love You:

“Why do you look like a foot”

Me at 3am: Why didn’t you pick up when mom called?

“I don’t know. I would have answered if it was you.”

Drunk, walking/stumbling to a McDonald’s with our school bags: “You’re the best sister in the world.”

XII. People are going to miss you. They will be different after. Scared. Those who celebrated your birthday every year will dread it when it comes. Why didn't you ask for help

XIII. You were never your body. You were so much more. You were so smart. You could have done anything you wanted to. (Why didn’t you want to get better)

We need to have more conversations about mental illness. We are a long way from being able to say the words "I am depressed" and have people understand why you can't work or be out when you have a functioning body. There is so much more to learn even if you are suffering from one yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be kind even when you don't have to be. There's not enough of that in the world. 

(June 26, 1996 - August 3, 2014)

Love always ;

Why Robin Williams Sang in the 2000 Oscars

I will only post on a cliche topic when I can bring something unique. So far in 36 hours no one I know said this. Here is Robin Williams in the Oscars that was dominated by American Beauty performing Blame Canada. He was not in the South Park movie. Why was he there then?? Because the original singer of the song Mary Kay Bergman who was brilliant with comical voices killed herself about 4 months earlier. As far as voices is concerned a female Robin Williams. Parallels eerie. At least for me.

Ed


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjoNucs20Vw

Love, Baseball, Heartbreak, Suicide, Music, 1986

Love, Baseball, Heartbreak, Suicide, Music, 1986


"The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again. Ohhhhhhhh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come." Terrence Mann ( Field of Dreams)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SB16il97yw&feature=fvwrel
 


Warning. This post is all about baseball memories, music memories and life memories. And proof you can't Google and/ Youtube everything.


Even though I am a huge Alan Parsons Project fan I have seldom blogged about their music. I am sitting on my bed watching Game 7 of this year's World Series and my thoughts returned to a Game 7, twenty five years ago and also to a record I bought that year. 


The 1986 Baseball season was memorable. Back then you only made the post season if you won your division and there were only two divisions per league. The four division races if I recall correctly were cakewalks. No drama at all. Should I stumble at all with my 25 year old memories I apologize in advance. This is a memory piece and not a factual one. I just have to be a in a zone to write this.
Once the National and American League Championship series started the baseball gods reciprocated for that lack of drama in the regular season. The Boston Red Sox were down to their last strike to the then California Angels and came back to win the series. Some notes about that Angels team. It had Reggie Jackson, who most will remember as a Yankee and an A. It was managed by Gene Mauch who was also the skipper of one of the legendary regular season collapses in baseball history. 1964, even I was not alive my dad was and was going to school in Philadelphia during the time of that choke. Donnie Moore was the closer for the Angels.


Donnie Moore was to the 86 Angels what Mitch Wild Thing Williams was to the 1993 Phillies. Donnie Moore though committed suicide. That's why every time I hear Mitch talk to Dan Patrick on the radio I am so glad he moved on with his life and entertains and informs us baseball fans still. He put his World Series moment into perspective saying that's baseball and it is. Pitched balls do get hit sometimes. Although Mitch's life took a different path than Donnie, the forever classy Philadelphia fans hoped it took that same path issuing numerous death threats.

My dad told me that Gene Mauch story three decades ago. Sports used to be our bonding. Even before we moved moved to North America he had a subscription to Sports Illustrated in the 70s. Which got me curious about football and baseball. There was a stretch before we would always watch the Orange Bowl New Years night. Now he only watches basketball. NBA and Ateneo. Other than that he has a Huang track mind. Cue the song.
Earlier that year I bought the Alan Parsons Project record Stereotomy. At the time I had all the records they put out and that was the ninth. It had all the usual ear candy and excellent melodies I have come to expect from the Alan Parson Project. I remember holding in my arms a ten month old Joseph who was crying then he shut up when he heard the sound effects of a car starting up and driving away. Babies can be so hilarious.
I don't really like looking for dirt but I make exception for two topics. William Shatner and the 1986 New York Mets. A book that was good for that was authored by George Takei. As for the Mets The Bad Guys Won by gives you all the dirt you would want and then some. It's behind the scenes look at a wildly successful season. Yes the Mets won but they were never close again. the 1986 Mets remind me of Led Zeppelin  at their peak. They both reached the highest high but then look at what happened to the individuals since: Dykstra, Strawberry ,Carter, Backman, Gooden, Ojeda. All of them struck by extreme tragedy self inflicted or otherwise.
 

A lot of people love the rankings thing. But it's all subjective and since it is, it should be about memories and not competition. It should be about love and not about comparing. The 1986 World Series definitely had memories: The Skydiver, The Curse, Bill Buckner, DARYLLLLL from the Fenway Faithful, the inept Sox Bullpen. It was personally memorable for me because I had my wisdom teeth taken out at that time and was tortured watching baseball because of one thing. Wendy's released a new sandwich called the Big Classic and decided to let Canada know about it every single commercial break during the World Series. My diet consisted of mashed potatoes, pudding and chicken soup at the time.



When I began this entry it was still about the 4th inning or so of Game 7 but I was already getting deja vu of 1986 and the Mets /Red Sox. I was for the Rangers but congrats to the better 2011 story which was the Cards. Written off in mid September but they battled back.


I am sure when every sports season ends, there is a montage wrap up song of how the respective final went. Some of them more memorable than others. When the 1986 World Series ended NBC chose a song off of Stereotomy. Alan Parson Project is the official artist name but those of us Projectiles ( my own invented nickname for Alan Parsons Project nuts) know the beauty of an Alan Parsons Project album is that anybody can be singing or playing in it as long as it is appropriate. Singers on APP albums that you will recognize are Christopher Cross, Alan Clarke (Hollies) , Arthur Brown (Crazy World of Arthur Brown), David Pack (Ambrosia) and Colin Blunstone (The Zombies).
Limelight was the song NBC chose from Stereotomy with Gary Brooker (Procul Harum famous for Conquistador) on vocals. Hard to believe that in 1986 I was barely 3 years into hard core Alan Parsons mania. I was already familiar with the song. I had no idea how iconic the World Series I just saw was going to be. No idea. But I got even a better appreciation for Limelight because those images of the 86 Series still played in my head with the song. I only saw the video once. Never video taped it with our Betamax. It is not available on Youtube and others only mention it on Google. This is my plea for anyone who happens to have it (1986 World Series montage of Limelight) to upload it somewhere or send it to me. 

Key lyrics of the video (with significance in parenthesis) include:

• "Maybe this day could be the one "( The Red Sox at that point had not won the Series since 1919 and would not win it till 2004)
• "Calling my name Shouting out loud" ( Daryll Strawberry being pestered by the Fenway fans)
• "Limelight don't let it slip right through your fingers There's a long way to fall" (Google Bill Buckner 1986 World Series read about the toll on his personal life)
• "I can hear the beat of a different drum" (There was only one 1986 Mets. Read the Bad Guys Won  and you will think twice, thrice about worshipping any athlete)

It started this morning watching baseball. A baseball game played October 29, 2011 (in my time zone) brought out 25 year old memories in me. And as Terrence Mann has said so eloquently it has marked the time. It just so happens I was in a text conversation this morning with a good friend of mine. She was talking about the idea of blogging for money. Instinctively I responded that I blogged for love. What I mean by that is that my blog is the way it is because I truly believe the one thing I can be better than anybody else is me. Like I said in the title page of my home page  I truly get what John Labatt once said "An honest brew makes it's own friends". Don't be contrived and be yourself. If that means most don't understand you don't let that get in the way of what you believe and what you feel and what you want to say. You stick to the constants of your life as Terrence Mann says, you write what you feel and in some cases you are writing with tears in your eyes, people will come. Once in a while you will get a private message telling you that they themselves felt what you felt and did not know anyone else felt that way. 


I have been saying in my Twitter ever since the baseball postseason started that myopic people who only care about a bouncing orange ball sport missed out on classic baseball drama. And they deserve to. Their ignorance is their own prison cell. Arrogant attitude maybe. But damn I love baseball. Ken Burns did not do an 11 part documentary on basketball. He did it on baseball. A. Bartlett Giamatti was not the commissioner of basketball, he was the commissioner of baseball. Chick Hern is a legend but Vin Scully is a unique legend.


Part of the Terrence speech was about recapturing memories and baseball just happened to be the medium. Watching the World Series today I was recapturing a time in my life. Things I felt. Many that were not in Google or Youtube. But they existed just the same. Once in a while, remind yourself of that.


Ed

I Got Married Last Month, Sorry

Sadly enough, what seems like a long time ago I read those words. Like everything else in the last 10 years pre-Twitter, we find out through text. I am so old that we were told certain things should not be said on the phone. They should be said in person. Little did I know that those same things will be read on the phone. The details are not important. Just know it did not happen recently. Just know that the phrase "felt bad at the time" does not quite cover it. I did not have a wedding dress nor was I trying any on. I don't want to paint anybody a villain. You can blame me for whatever expectations I shouldn't have but I was blindsided. It was not a fun episode of my life but it happened. You just live through it. Regardless how alone you feel. Regardless how foolish you think you might have looked. Having been through that I would like to speculate what happened two days ago in Changchun City. A woman was so emotionally distraught that she almost plummeted off a building with her wedding dress by her own volition.



By using armchair psychology and personal experience (albeit watered down compared to hers) let me try to delve deeper into what she was feeling at that moment. A feeling strong enough to even consider hitting a pavement about 6 stories below.



You have heard this a zillion times, "don't judge a man until or unless you have walked in their shoes". I have not been in that bride's shoes. They did not fit me. Still point being I can relate to the feeling somewhat. Reading others making unsympathetic remarks made me make this blog. You read a bit deeper in the story of the bride and you find out that her husband to be married another woman. That fact to me is not trivial in this case. Think about processing this: The groom is basically saying goodbye to the bride, they are no longer a couple. But for additional salt in the wound, that life the bride envisioned with the groom, the groom will have with someone else. All out of the blue. All at once. Crashing down like a ton of bricks all at one time, all in one place. What you saw in The Wedding Singer was quite mild.







Pete Townshend once sang a friend is friend nothing can change that. I am not sure how true that it is. If you watch the video by clicking the song title you see the little boy playing the giant Iron Man for a fool. He abused his trust.



Sometimes friends turn on you. Sometimes you can give them reason to turn. Sometimes they discard you on their own. None of us are perfect. I have made a ton of mistakes. How do you think I fill this blog?


If I make mistakes, then I realize that my friends make them too. I have to forgive them just as they have to forgive me for being human. Easier said than done.


"People who have treated like you like dirt are good for something. They can teach you empathy and how your own actions may be received by others so you don't end up doing the same thing. "

http://cornholiogogs.multiply.com/notes/item/415


I wrote that a week ago because being somewhere I am seldom at triggered a memory. It's like Dexter with The Code and his step father. Great, I am now comparing myself to a fictional serial killer. I really try not to dwell in the past and if I do revisit hopefully its to further learn from experience and change course in my present direction if necessary.


What I was thinking when I wrote that was maybe what we are hurting from now, we may have done in the past or we can do in the future. When I was 14 I heard Tom Petty sing "There's no one as honest as those in pain". The problem is the only way to know that for sure is to be in the state of pain. Pain gives a certain clarity. Hopefully even pain can be a teacher. That our inconsideration hurts others. We choose to either end that cycle of pain or perpetuate it. Just being considerate solves a lot of problems and a lot of heartaches.


Your significant other should be your friend or else they don't deserve that space in your life. Romance is a two way street and we all get that. But if romance is not to be on one side, there should be at least the consideration of a friend. I said this a long time ago (since I am that old) but have not heard it anywhere: Your friends have way more potential to hurt you than your enemies. You trust your friends therefore you are vulnerable to them. You are guarded with your enemies. Your defenses are up.


The Trojan Horse was a gift. It was supposed to be a symbol of goodwill. Something accepted in trust. That is why the attack from within hurts so much. It is so devastating. Usually when you fight with regular enemies it's like two heavy battering rams meeting in the middle. Maybe not visually but symbolically.


When a friend let's you down it's like a chainsaw through jello. You don't see it coming and you just give it token protest. There is no contest. The psychological hit is so devastating that I can easily imagine what that girl went through.






There is a scene from Wedding Planner where the main male lead breaks off his originally scheduled wedding. If there ever was a proper way to call something off that would have been it. Movies are scripted, real life is not. I am referencing a chick flick. What has become of me?


"Do you hear that, Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the six-fingered man slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now. His True Love is marrying another tonight who else has the cause for ultimate suffering?"



That is of course from The Princess Bride. One of my all time favorite movies.Clip provided below. Oddly enough the Princess Bride was either a topic of conversation or something I always gave a copy of to almost every woman I have dated more than once in the last 21 years. Maybe that's the secret to remaining unmarried that long. If you dated me more than once in the last 21 years and don't have a copy let me know. You are entitled. The concept of ultimate suffering is something you hope you don't relate to but probably do. When things like this happen. Where one party feels so critically aggrieved. The answer sometimes lies in the selfishness of the other party. Assuming that's true, would you want somebody that selfish as the most important relationship in your life?


One thing about the Internet is you can see different people's reaction to the same story. One person said the bride in China is fortunate to see that side of her groom before the wedding and not after. You may have also heard the expression Karma is a bit*h. If that groom was willing to do that to the original bride in the story, you can't tell me that flaw will never ever show up in his relationships again.


Let me tell you where I think the pain of the bride is coming from. I am no stranger to romantic rejection. In time every single one of them made sense. But the pain the jumping bride experienced comes from a different place I think. The pain of deception and concealment. Which is different from a straight forward rejection. Having this separate reality that she had no clue. Giving someone trust then hit on the middle of the forehead with a tire iron. In the immortal words of Rigby Reardon:



All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_piLm38E_U&feature=related (Dead Men)



The bride probably felt that moment of clarity that someone was in a spot that should be hers. A whole wedding happening that had nothing to do with her. In this post almost everything relates to the Princess Bride. The lyrics from the main song include the phrase "Its as real as the feelings I feel". I suspect those real feelings motivated her right out that window.


I suspect it's that's feeling of being alone drove her out that window. With God you are never alone. You just have to call on your faith.


There is another saying that God does not send you something you can't handle. I heard Carroll O'Connor tell CNN that when his son committed suicide. I have never had anything that drastic happen to me but it may be useful to take that to heart. I have had my bad days but they help put things in perspective and help you take stock of what's important. Besides, things you may have lost helped you find things you would not find otherwise. Obviously I needed friends to help get me through this. I thanked both of them recently, years after the fact. One remembers it well, the other completely forgot.


A song I would recommend to fight that feeling of being alone is the Peter Gabriel/ Kate Bush song Don't Give Up. The song does have that depressing mood to it to start. But it helps set up the mood for struggle we go through. The album So by Peter Gabriel is highly recommended. Specially to those that can't appreciate an album since there have been no good ones released in a long long time.


http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/13037/


This phrase seems to describe the isolation

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose


This phrase helps describe the process of taking stock what you have.


Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up
We don't need much of anything
Don't give up
'Cause somewhere there's a place
Where we belong


That shock to the system provides you an illusion that you are alone. Often times you are not. A good person attracts other good people. Stick to what you believe in and treat others well. Be like Guo Zhongfan and the others who helped Li instead of doing what most people would do nowadays. Take out their cell phones and video the event.


Ed



If you see no videos please go to http://cornholiogogs.multiply.com/journal/item/1243 Videos Listed below:

1 & 2) Video entirely in Chinese of the bride who tried to jump. Identical, watch which ever is faster or works.

3) Ultimate Suffering from the Princess Bride


4) Rigby Reardon giving his grab your heart speech around the 11th minute.

5) Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush video for Don't Give Up

6) Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers perform the line there's no one as honest as those in pain.

7) Compilation of Scenes From The Princess Bride. Other songs are in the links themselves.





http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/world-news/jilted-bridetobe-tries-to-jump-from-window-16001972.html


A Chinese man performed an incredible rescue of a woman who tried to commit suicide after her boyfriend called off their wedding.

The man, a worker at the building in Changchun City, north-east China, held the 22-year-old woman after she tried to jump out of a seventh-floor window .

The bride, named Li, cut her wrists and tried to commit suicide after her boyfriend broke up with her just before their planned marriage.

Dressed in her wedding gown, 22 year-old college student, sat crying on the window ledge of the building before threatening to jump, saying she could not live with the fact that her fiancé had left her and married another woman just days before their wedding.

Police called her relatives after she dropped her bag containing her mobile phone from the building.

She was grabbed by Guo Zhongfan who held Li by her neck and arms as she dangled above the street, while a man in the apartment below reached out of the window and pushed Li's feet up, as she was pulled to safety.

Li was sent to hospital following her rescue. Policemen and relatives were unable to contact Li's former fiancé by phone.

Read more: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/world-news/jilted-bridetobe-tries-to-jump-from-window-16001972.html#ixzz1Mx8zbqLj