Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Noynoy's Deal With The Devil

Noynoy's Deal With The Devil
Fan Fiction
by me.

It took me four days to write this scenario. Just remember humor at some point has to resemble reality to an extent or else the connection won't work. Thank you all for reading. This should be my last blog post for the year.


One morning early Sept 2009, Noynoy was convinced by relatives and other power mongers that he should run for President of the Philippines.

Noynoy later on that day paused Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 and was suddenly confused. What would he say during the campaign? Don't these things have qualifications? Would he have to think and other burning questions.

Out of the blue came a puff of smoke and Beelzebub himself appears grinning from ear to ear. "You Noynoy Aquino , I can make you President of the Philippines!" . "Really??!!??" replied Noynoy. " I could not even win a class election in Ateneo and you expect me to win an election for a whole country?". " I can make it happen!" says the Devil.

Noynoy: " Physically, the only thing I have going for me is my height. But in a campaign poster , height does not play so well. And if it's true that my advisers want me to embrace yellow then I will look like Big Bird. Even Mr. Hooper won't vote for me. What do I do?"

Devil: " Easy, my son. In every campaign poster always have pictures of your mother over your shoulder or have your picture taken with your sister who is on 47 % of the billboards currently erect in this country. Your looks will not be an issue. So it's not about you anymore, it's about them. "

Noynoy : "I am assuming at some point I am going to have to talk. What do I say? I can't think of one thing I have done that would sound good to voters on why I should be president".

Devil: " I thought of that. Track record, shmack record. You don't need one! The country is currently mourning your mother, you just extend that mourning into the campaign and the election is no longer about you but your mother. No competency, experience, leadership or integrity required. Forget things like issues, just talk about your parents. Bring up some maternal advice your mom may have told you and use that in your answer. It's something I like to call the Scooter strategy. Ever watch the Muppet Show? Scooter always got his way because he would always work into the conversation that his uncle owns the theater that hosted the Muppets. If it worked for him it can work for you. Never let a question go answered without bringing up Noynoy and Cory. It won't be about you anymore, it will be about them. Stick to that and the average Filipino will save their thoughts on track record for the next Olympic year. Also if any of your opponents brings up track record, just bring up their position in the polls. I will make sure they will not have a leg to stand on. Your family friends own the poll companies and the media therefore I own the polling companies and the media companies. Have no fear. You will go unchallenged.

Noynoy: " Any other tips? "

Devil : " Well , always make an 'L' sign with your hand. I will hypnotize the voters so they don't associate the 'L' with 'loser'. Never mind that your dad was part of the 'Laban' and you are not. Nor did you ever fight for that cause. I will make everything all right. Besides, if you think about it, the 'L' sign acknowledges me. That will be proof of your devotion to me and that will be our little secret. "

Noynoy: "Ahhhh 'L' as in Lucifer , gets ko na. Let me get this straight sir. You claim that I can be the President of the Philippines, without talking about any significant deeds or any iota of leadership skills? All I have to do it include my dead parents in my campaign posters and quote them in answers? Then the presidency is mine?? I can give you my soul since I don't use it but there has to be more than that. You say I can be the president of a country of 80 million people. What else will you get from me?"

Devil: " Usually depending on the gravity of the task, besides one's soul I usually ask for varying combinations of "virility, hair, testosterone and brains" but I took all that from you a long time ago so I won't even bother with your soul. In fact you can even have this soul I claimed a while back from someone who wanted nigh unlimited exposure, attention and inappropriate men. It used to belong to your sister Kris. "

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Baduys Not Likely To Latch On To Tim Tebow

Today in Yahoo Sports they did a story about Tim Tebow being anonymous in Makati. I have lived here for the 14 years of my life last 12. Add to that my two years spent abroad on covert missions and I am almost thirty. If you believe that I got a MENSA membership I'd like to sell Noynoy.

For the record Tim Tebow has at least four people that converse about him on a regular basis here in Makati. There is @quitolopez life long Makati resident. There is my former comrade in the stock exchange Alan and my uncle Jeri who took me to my very first football game I saw in person. Ever since Tebow got the starting job in Denver , his name is the first thing out of Tito/ Uncle Jeri's lips when he sees me in our Makati office Monday morning. Over here the NFL Sunday afternoon games are just finishing when the work week starts at 8:30 Monday morning. Five people if you count my girlfriend @crissyname who does not live in Makati but visits me here. Tip for all you women out there who want to know your guys: follow who they follow on Twitter and you will always have something to talk about.

The Yahoo article talk about how there is no talk where Tebow was about born. Au contraire mon frere. I wrote this about him three years ago while living in Makati. I also wrote this about him almost being aborted in Makati Med. The Yahoo article talks about how he is unknown here. Of course. In case you are unaware of the Filipino culture I sum up what is known here in this article. They can not appreciate Tebow because they are too busy admiring phonies, blowhards and people who cater to ignorance instead of people trying to eradicate it.

First of all , you can not call this place a moral one despite laws that are only in place in paper. Like I said in a Tweet two weeks ago:

Herman Cain's candidacy is being hurt by all these women coming out. Don't you find it weird in the Philippines that the same thing just enhanced the popularity of Erap in 98 and 2010. What does it say about us?

Dec 1, '11 7:00 AM

As an electorate that campaigners cater to and an audience that advertisers look for we reward the Kris Aquinos, Richard Gomezes, Erap Estradas etc. None who are role models. They flaunt their vanity and tackiness for all to see and we oblige by giving them an audience. Kris Aquino goes from married man to married man, picks up STDs along the way and still gets multiple billboards and even a magazine devoted to herself. Erap Estrada gets convicted by a court of law of a crime that is punishable by death and this country rewards him by almost electing him president again. This country loves Erap Estrada, you expect them to love Tim Tebow? Tebow despite going to school for for years in a college filled with gorgeous girls that would do anything for him is still a virgin. Joseph Estrada on the other hand has fathered enough kids to fill up the upper deck of Invesco Field. This country won't love Tim Tebow. Noynoy Aquino does nothing in life for fifty years and our country rewards him by making him president. You expect that audience to relate to Tim Tebow? Tim Tebow epitomizes hard work and proving yourself and shutting up the doubters. I doubt that audience enthralled by Noynoy can even spell Tim Tebow.

For Filipinos to latch on to Tim Tebow they have to somehow relate to what he does. Manny Pacquaio is relatable because even a two year old can comprehend a boxing glove colliding with a human head. Basketball connects so well to the Filipino because all ten men on the court can dribble, pass and shoot. I really doubt a culture that worships Richard Gomez will sit still long enough to comprehend how a quarterback picks up the blitz. I doubt a Filipino who only followed basketball all their life can appreciate an offensive lineman who is never given the ball but whose skills are still crucial to the team's goals.

"The Azkals are a national team. The Galaxy are just one team from a country where soccer is at best the 5th most important team sport. The Galaxy are also on vacation after winning their championship and they still housed the Azkals. Good thing they can be marketed as good looking because they sure are not great. "

Dec 4, '11 5:33 PM

Please don't tell me pinoys love soccer because of the whole Azkals thing. Very few people in this country cared about the last World Cup. All these bandwagon fans honestly believe that the Azkals are Filipino and are good. Well they are neither.

There is one chink in my theory though. If I know anything about the culture is that they love attention. They live and die by Miss Universe results because for some reason they feel it is attached to their self worth. If the Yahoo Sports article is the first of many that bring attention to this place watch out. There will be Tebow experts everywhere. Jeepney Drivers like this one:

Will now have imitation Tebow Bronco jerseys not imitation Kobe Lakers jerseys . Nah, they will just say "FOOTBALL!!! BAKIT!!! HINDI NAMAN BILOG YUNG BOLA!". (Why is it football when it's not even round?)