Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Noynoy's Deal With The Devil

Noynoy's Deal With The Devil
Fan Fiction
by me.

It took me four days to write this scenario. Just remember humor at some point has to resemble reality to an extent or else the connection won't work. Thank you all for reading. This should be my last blog post for the year.


One morning early Sept 2009, Noynoy was convinced by relatives and other power mongers that he should run for President of the Philippines.

Noynoy later on that day paused Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 and was suddenly confused. What would he say during the campaign? Don't these things have qualifications? Would he have to think and other burning questions.

Out of the blue came a puff of smoke and Beelzebub himself appears grinning from ear to ear. "You Noynoy Aquino , I can make you President of the Philippines!" . "Really??!!??" replied Noynoy. " I could not even win a class election in Ateneo and you expect me to win an election for a whole country?". " I can make it happen!" says the Devil.

Noynoy: " Physically, the only thing I have going for me is my height. But in a campaign poster , height does not play so well. And if it's true that my advisers want me to embrace yellow then I will look like Big Bird. Even Mr. Hooper won't vote for me. What do I do?"

Devil: " Easy, my son. In every campaign poster always have pictures of your mother over your shoulder or have your picture taken with your sister who is on 47 % of the billboards currently erect in this country. Your looks will not be an issue. So it's not about you anymore, it's about them. "

Noynoy : "I am assuming at some point I am going to have to talk. What do I say? I can't think of one thing I have done that would sound good to voters on why I should be president".

Devil: " I thought of that. Track record, shmack record. You don't need one! The country is currently mourning your mother, you just extend that mourning into the campaign and the election is no longer about you but your mother. No competency, experience, leadership or integrity required. Forget things like issues, just talk about your parents. Bring up some maternal advice your mom may have told you and use that in your answer. It's something I like to call the Scooter strategy. Ever watch the Muppet Show? Scooter always got his way because he would always work into the conversation that his uncle owns the theater that hosted the Muppets. If it worked for him it can work for you. Never let a question go answered without bringing up Noynoy and Cory. It won't be about you anymore, it will be about them. Stick to that and the average Filipino will save their thoughts on track record for the next Olympic year. Also if any of your opponents brings up track record, just bring up their position in the polls. I will make sure they will not have a leg to stand on. Your family friends own the poll companies and the media therefore I own the polling companies and the media companies. Have no fear. You will go unchallenged.

Noynoy: " Any other tips? "

Devil : " Well , always make an 'L' sign with your hand. I will hypnotize the voters so they don't associate the 'L' with 'loser'. Never mind that your dad was part of the 'Laban' and you are not. Nor did you ever fight for that cause. I will make everything all right. Besides, if you think about it, the 'L' sign acknowledges me. That will be proof of your devotion to me and that will be our little secret. "

Noynoy: "Ahhhh 'L' as in Lucifer , gets ko na. Let me get this straight sir. You claim that I can be the President of the Philippines, without talking about any significant deeds or any iota of leadership skills? All I have to do it include my dead parents in my campaign posters and quote them in answers? Then the presidency is mine?? I can give you my soul since I don't use it but there has to be more than that. You say I can be the president of a country of 80 million people. What else will you get from me?"

Devil: " Usually depending on the gravity of the task, besides one's soul I usually ask for varying combinations of "virility, hair, testosterone and brains" but I took all that from you a long time ago so I won't even bother with your soul. In fact you can even have this soul I claimed a while back from someone who wanted nigh unlimited exposure, attention and inappropriate men. It used to belong to your sister Kris. "


Raywollesen said...

LOL. Typos aside, this tickled me funny bones in the opening day of the year. Haha!

Tin A Pie said...

even the devil has nothing to ask from him

Ed Lopez said...

Ask not what the devil can do for you . But what you can do for the devil.

Jacqueline Chu Lim-Quinto said...

OUCH!!! Soul appeal = zero percent = no value = total reject = nobody wants you dead or alive. Hahaha!! Suits his personality. What a bozo. He's in tip-top shape while everybody's a mess. Never misses Kris' movie premier... I remember your older blog->to-do list->NOTHING..crossed out big time..LOL!!!