Monday, March 12, 2012

A Fun Exercise For The Yellow Army

Noynoy Aquino was elected President of the Philippines May 2010. How this was done was by convincing a hoard of people that Noynoy was a leader and a competent decision maker. This hoard has since found work as background cast of the Walking Dead. My many thoughts on the inappropriateness of Noynoy Aquino as any kind of leader let alone President -

I have this theory that if you take any of those Chuck Norris jokes and substitute  the name Noynoy Aquino, 95% of the yellow army will totally believe it. In fact read a  bunch of them and see how long it takes before they stop taking you seriously. Some of them are so deluded by the Noy Machine that they will think you are  reading them a draft of his biography. Some of them will get Tupas and
Colmenares   and sue Chuck Norris for infringing on the " Noynoy Mystique". There is no funnier person on God's green Earth to juxtapose with Chuck Norris than Noynoy Aquino assuming you lived through his campaign and  you have seen him for what he is which is not much.

By any objective account Noynoy is quite useless. But if you heard the rhetoric of Noynoy and his campaign they make him out to be all things to all people. If the horde of the Yellow Army will believe Noynoy is a man of action, integrity, principles and leadership. Then they will believe anything about him. Including the Chuck Norris jokes.


Noynoy Aquino' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Noynoy Aquino counted to infinity - twice.

Noynoy Aquino does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Noynoy Aquino goes killing.

If you can see Noynoy Aquino, he can see you. If you can't see Noynoy Aquino you may be only seconds away from death.

Noynoy Aquino sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Noynoy roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Noynoy Aquino.

Noynoy Aquino built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Noynoy Aquino met all three bullets with his bald head,  deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Noynoy Aquino has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Noynoy Aquino toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Noynoy Aquino' shoe. Noynoy replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Noynoy Aquino!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Noynoy Aquino.

Noynoy Aquino  went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Noynoy Aquino yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Noynoy Aquino accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Noynoy Aquino is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Contrary to popular belief, Noynoy Aquino, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Noynoy Aquino does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Noynoy Aquino roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Noynoy Aquino can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Noynoy Aquino isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s sh*t.

Noynoy Aquino doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Noynoy Aquino.

Noynoy Aquino once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Noynoy Aquino never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Noynoy”.

Playgirl magazine once asked Noynoy Aquino to appear naked in an issue, Noynoy laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Noynoy Aquino

Noynoy Aquino once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Noynoy Aquino was a kid, he gave teacher's grades.

Noynoy Aquino is the only person to have never played the game of basketball, but still has more NBA rings than Jordan.

Noynoy Aquino once gave mouth to mouth to a flea

The ocean was created from the dinosaurs tears when they first saw Noynoy Aquino.

Noynoy Aquino dips his hot sauce in eggs.

Addition was created simply to keep count of Noynoy Aquino' victims.

Noynoy Aquino rolled a 20 on a 6 sided dice.

Only diamonds can cut diamonds, the only thing that can cut Noynoy Aquino.... DONT BE STUPID


Noynoy Aquino invented the high-five

Noynoy Aquino doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Noynoy Aquino is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Noynoy Aquino could win America's Got Talent simply by walking on the stage.

Noynoy Aquino doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Noynoy Aquino can build a snowman out of rain.

Noynoy Aquino once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

The only thing that gets between Noynoy Aquino and justice is an equal sign.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Noynoy Aquino can throw Brett Favre even


Noynoy Aquino doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Noynoy Aquino once pulled a building out of a burning building.

Noynoy Aquino cannot predict the future; the future just better f***ing do what Noynoy Aquino says.

Noynoy Aquino can kill two stones with one bird.

In his will, Noynoy Aquino has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself.

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Noynoy Aquino responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Noynoy Aquino always has sex on the first date. Always.

Crop circles are Noynoy Aquino' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.


Noynoy Aquino watched Paranormal Activity alone.

Noynoy Aquino has three meals a day; blood, sweat, and tears.

Noynoy Aquino can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Noynoy Aquino can EAT water..

Noynoy Aquino can "Enter Outside"

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