George Carlin

I remember hearing this man's jokes as far back as 1981. Join the book club is presented below. The man was definitely talented. He also had this rant against God. He probably meant every word of it. Does not make it right. It got me thinking. Sometimes your beliefs have to be challenged to truly make them your beliefs. It's easy to believe something when there is nobody or nothing challenging you on our beliefs.Some adversity separates the true believers from the band wagon jumpers.

Ed

http://www.angelfire.com/mi/HouseofWinn/georgestuff.html

N" "...There's a bigger responsibility, and that is getting into that refrigerator and deciding which things need to be thrown away. Most people will not take that responsibility. Most people will just go and get what they want, leave everything else alone, and say, 'Well, someone else wants that. Someone else will eat that.' Meanwhile, the thing is getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller...and is, in fact, stuck to the rack. Well, I've gotta' go in there and decide when to throw things away. 'Chocolate pudding, does anyone want this last chocolate pudding? I have just one chocolate pudding left, it's only pulled away from the side of the dish about three inches all the way around...and there's a huge fault running through the center of the pudding. Actually, it's nothing but a ball of skin at this point. Does anyone want a ball of fault-ridden chocolate pudding skin, I'm only going to throw it away.' Do people do that with you? Offer you some food that, if you don't eat it, they're only going to 'throw it away' Well, doesn't that make you feel dandy? 'Here's some something to eat, Dave, hurry up, it's spoiling....something for you, Angela, eat quickly, that green pod is moving...here Bob, eat this before I give it to an animal.'" "You ever been looking through the refrigerator, and you come across an empty plate? Boy, that starts me to wondering. DID SOMETHING EAT SOMETHING ELSE?!?! WHOA...MAYBE THE OLIVES ATE THE TUNA...MAYBE THAT CHICKEN ISN'T REALLY DEAD YET. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, you know, just waiting for the lights to go out." "Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach into the refrigerator and come out with something that you cannot identify...at all. You literally do not know what it is! Could be meat...could be cake. Usually, at a time like this, I'll bluff: 'Honey, is this good?' 'Well, what is it?' 'I don't know...I've never seen anything like it. It looks like...MEATCAKE!' 'Well, smell it!' '(sniff)-ah, (sniff)-ah...it has absolutely no smell whatsoever!' 'It's good!'

THE GEORGE CARLIN BOOK CLUB "

Join the book club, as an introductory offer, we'll send you the following books absolutely free:

-EAT, RUN, STAY FIT, AND DIE ANYWAY

-HOW TO SEEM INTELLIGENT

-THERE'S BIG MONEY IN STAYING PUT

-PIECE OF MIND BY LOSING COMPLETE CONTROL FOR 16 HOURS A DAY

-YOUR THIGHS CONTROL YOUR LIFE

-HOW TO FILLET A PANDA

-RID YOURSELF OF DOUBT, OR SHOULD YOU?

-CHANCES ARE, YOUR SISTER'S FULL OF SH*T

-HOW TO GIVE YOURSELF A COMPLETE PHYSICAL WITHOUT GETTING UNDRESSED

-64 GOOD REASONS FOR GIVING UP HOPE

-WHY JEWS POINT

-A HUNDRED DEAD PEOPLE NOBODY MISSES

-BACKPACKING FOR SHUT-INS

-MY DOG IS A REAL FRUIT

-YOUR SHOES ARE WORTH MONEY

-REORGANIZING YOUR POCKETS

-WHAT TO WEAR ON THE TOILET

-124 SIMPLE EXERCIZES FOR THE TEETH

-THE STAINS IN YOUR SHORTS CAN INDICATE YOUR FUTURE

-TIPS ON GETTING LAID

-SELF-MUTILATION AS AN ATTENTION GETTER

-600 WAYS TO GIVE PEOPLE THE SHAFT

-TREMBLE YOUR WAY TO FITNESS

-YOU GIVE ME 6 WEEKS, AND I'LL GIVE YOU SOME DISEASE

And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free:

-POEMS FOR THE INSANE

-A TREASURY OF POORLY UNDERSTOOD IDEAS

-APARTMENT HUNTING FOR DEVIL WORSHIPPERS

-A COMPLETE LIST OF ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE STILL PENDING

And these books on food are yours:

-THE INTRAVENOUS COOKBOOK

-THE MEANING OF CORN

-FILL YOUR LIFE WITH CROUTONS

-THE FOOD COLORING DIET

-COOKING FOR THE PARALYZED

-COOKING WITH HEAT

And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free:

-CONTROLLING FEAR WITHOUT GETTING FRIGHTENED

-THINGS NO ONE CAN HELP

-UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER MEET

-SIX WAYS TO F**K UP BEFORE BREAKFAST

-MARRIAGE FOR ONE

-I SUCK, YOU SUCK

-LET'S CHANGE THE ALPHABET

-FAMOUS BULLSH*T STORIES

-SPORT FISHING WITH POWER SAWS

-WHY HAWAII AND NORWAY ARE NOT NEAR EACH OTHER

And if you join today we'll send the following books absolutely free:

-A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO MEAN WELL

-DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR OLD SKIN

-10 THINGS WE DON'T KNOW YET

-CARING FOR THE SEATED

-THE WRONG UNDERWEAR CAN KILL

-TROTTING ACROSS ZAIRE

-WHY IT DOESN'T SNOW ANYMORE

-THE COMPLETE LIST OF EVERYONES' PERSONAL EFFECTS

-SIX CITIES THAT NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN TO

-I GAVE UP HOPE AND DIED, AND IT WORKED

-FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO WERE WIRY

-THE LIVES OF 6 EXTREMELY SHORT SAINTS

And if you join today, we'll send the following instruction books absolutely free:

-HOW TO DO EVERYTHING AT ONCE

-HOW TO GIVE PEOPLE YOUR BEST REGARDS

-HOW TO SPOIL OTHER PEOPLE'S FUN

-HOW TO KILL A RAT WITH AN OBOE

-HOW TO ORGANIZE A 'TUPPERWARE' GANG BANG

-HOW TO WAVE GOODBYE WITHOUT MOVING YOUR ARMS

-HOW TO SPOT TRULY VICIOUS PEOPLE IN CHURCH

-HOW TO GET BACK FROM BOSTON

-HOW TO LEASE OUT THE SPACE INSIDE YOUR NOSE

-HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A FLASHLIGHT

-HOW TO START A RANGE WAR

-HOW TO SPOT A CREEP FROM A DISTANCE

-HOW TO GIVE A KING A REALLY HARD TIME

-HOW TO KILL YOUR NEPHEW

-HOW TO BECOME A GREASEBALL

and

-HOW TO TURN UNBEARABLE PAIN INTO EXTRA INCOME

So call now, right now, join the book club today."

LOSING THINGS

"I hate to lose anything. I don't wanna' lose anything, because, 'where is it?' See, basically, that's the part that bothers me the most. I'm a practical guy...'Where is it? I just had it.' You know that feeling, 'IT WAS JUST HERE!!!'" (HERE GEORGE BEGINS A CONVERSATION WITH HIS MIND.) "'Where is it?' 'I don't know.' 'It's gone!' 'that's true.' 'It's lost!' 'I know.' 'Where could it be?' 'Could be anywhere.' 'Maybe it'll come back' 'Maybe, but not yet.' 'It's gone!' 'That's true...are we gonna' go through this sh*t again?' Where do these things go when they're lost? There are some things, I don't even care if I ever get 'em back, I just wanna' know where the f**k they went! You know what I mean? And let me say, losing things is one of those those events in life that's even worse when you're a kid. It's even worse, because people get on you for it. It's double jeopardy, not only is the item gone, but you're catching sh*t from up here! 'You what?!?' [Improvised conversation with a mother] 'I lost my yo-yo.' 'Well, where did you have it last?' 'HEY...if I knew that, I would still have my yo-yo!' 'Well, it must be somewhere.' 'Right!' 'Well, it just didn't get up and walk away!' That one always got to me...it just didn't get up and walk away. One time, I lost the cat...it just got up, and walked away! And she actually started to say, 'Well, it just didn't get up and...cough, ahem, ahem, um, um.' 'Hey ma, I think you figured this one out.' Where do things go when they're lost? You know what I think? I think there's a big pile of things somewhere. I think there's a big constantly changing pile of things that are lost. You lose something,whoo-pop, it goes to the pile. And then you say, 'Oh look, there it is,' whoowhoowhoowhoowhoowhooph. Right back from the pile. And you didn't even know there was a pile. And where is the pile? In Heaven, of course...has to be in Heaven. That's the first thing that happens when you get to Heaven, They give you back everything you ever lost. That's the whole meaning of Heaven. You get back everything; 'Here ya' are, 79 pairs of sunglasses, 212 cigarette lighters, 4,983 ball point pens. Here's a jock strap we found on the Golden state freeway...it appears to have mule hoofprints and chocolate sprinkles on it...must've been quite an evening.' Yes, you get back everything...Everything, When you get to Heaven...well, not everything, you know, you don't get the big things back. Good judgement, that never comes back. Your tonsills, your appendix, they keep those for display purposes, virginity...you don't get that back, because you're in such a big hurry to get rid of it in the first place. But, you get back all your wallets. You get back every wallet you ever lost...No cash...it's just like earth. They keep the money as a prayer offering. Have you noticed this, when you lose something, the longer you look for it, the stranger the places are that you are looking. ...You know why? You've already looked in the easy places. Those are the first places we look, the obvious places. That's why people say to each other, 'Well, I've looked everywhere.' Well, apparently NOT...the...damn thing is still gone, isn't it?!? Let's keep looking in obvious places. I'll look in the furnace, you check the cesspool. You look in the strangest places, d' you ever look in the freezer for your car keys? Hey, you might as well, sh*t, they might be in there. Wouldn't wanna pass up a nice obvious place like the freezer, would ya'? 'Cause you can talk yourself into it, you can picture them in there, that's what the mind is for... picturing where you left your car keys. Of course, those are obvious things...easy things like car keys. Sometimes, an unusual item is missing...like, the couch. You ever come home and the...damn couch is gone! 'Where's the couch!' [Here George again has a conversation with his mind] 'I don't know.' 'It's gone!' 'That's true.' 'Where could it be?' 'Could be anywhere.' 'Maybe it'll come back.' 'Maybe, but not this, no, it's too big actually, nothing over 4 feet ever comes back on it's own.' 'Well it was here this morning.' 'Well of course it was here this morning. There'd be no sense in mentioning the fact that it isn't here now unless it had been here this morning, there'd be no basis for a comparison...' 'F**K YOU, I'M TIRED OF YOUR ANALYTICAL SH*T!!! Why don't you take your logic and go to bed?!?' 'I can't.' 'Why not?!?' 'I sleep on the couch.'

GEORGE ON CHILDHOOD CLICHES: PARENT: "I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" CHILD: "I'll blow bubbles out my a**!" PARENT: "How many times fo I have to tell you?!?" CHILD: "Six." PARENT: "Don't you understand English?" CHILD: "Not fully, no." PARENT: "Don't talk back!" CHILD: "Huh? You're teaching me a language, aren't you? You sayin' no more practicing?" PARENT: "I have tried to be both a mother and a father to you." CHILD: "Go F*** yourself!"

LOS ANGELES, June 22 (Reuters) - Comedian George Carlin, a counter-culture hero famed for his routines about drugs, dirty words and the demise of humanity, died of heart failure at a Los Angeles-area hospital on Sunday. He was 71.

Carlin, who had a history of heart and drug-dependency problems, died at Saint John's Health Center in Santa Monica about 6 p.m. PDT (9 p.m. EDT/0100 GMT) after being admitted earlier in the afternoon for chest pains, spokesman Jeff Abraham told Reuters.

Known for his edgy, provocative material developed over 50 years, the bald, bearded Carlin achieved status as an anti-Establishment icon in the 1970s with stand-up bits full of drug references and a routine called "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television." A regulatory battle over a radio broadcast of the routine ultimately reached the U.S. Supreme Court.

In the 1978 case, Federal Communications Commission vs. Pacifica Foundation, the top U.S. court ruled that the words cited in Carlin's routine were indecent, and that the government's broadcast regulator could ban them from being aired at times when children might be listening.

The Grammy-winning Carlin remained an active presence on the comedy circuit. Carlin was scheduled to receive the John F. Kennedy Center's prestigious Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in November and his publicist said Carlin performed in Las Vegas this month.

His comedic sensibility revolved around a central theme: humanity is a cursed, doomed species.

"I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas," he told Reuters in a 2001 interview. Continued...

View article on single pagePrevious Page 1 | 2 Next Page Carlin told Playboy in 2005 that he looked forward to an afterlife where he could watch the decline of civilization on a "heavenly CNN."

"The world is a big theater-in-the round as far as I'm concerned, and I'd love to watch it spin itself into oblivion," he said. "Tune in and watch the human adventure."

AWARDS

Carlin wrote three best-selling books, won four Grammy Awards, recorded 22 comedy albums, headlined 14 HBO television specials, and hosted hundreds of variety shows. One was the first episode of "Saturday Night Live" in 1975, when he was high on cocaine.

Drug addiction plagued him for much of his life, beginning with marijuana experimentation as a teen, graduating to cocaine in the 1970s, and then to prescription painkillers and wine. During the cocaine years, Carlin ignored his finances and ended up owing about $3 million in back taxes. In 2004, he entered a Los Angeles rehab clinic for his alcohol and Vicodin abuse.

George Dennis Carlin was born on May 12, 1937, in New York City, where he was raised with an older brother by their single mother. He fondly recalled that the nuns at his school tolerated his early comedic inclinations.

After a brief, troubled stint in the U.S. Air Force, he started honing his comic act, developing such characters as Al Sleet, a "hippie-dippie weatherman."

Carlin told Playboy that his sensibilities developed in the 1950s, "when comedy stopped being safe ... (and) became about saying no to authority." He cited such influences as Lenny Bruce, Mort Sahl, Dick Gregory and Bob Newhart.

He also dabbled in movies and television, recently voicing a hippie Volkswagen bus named Fillmore in the Pixar cartoon "Cars."

Carlin is survived by his second wife Sally Wade; daughter Kelly Carlin McCall; and brother Patrick. His first wife, Brenda, died of cancer in 1997. News of his death was first reported by the television show "Entertainment Tonight." (Additional reporting by Steve Gorman; Editing by Patricia Zengerle)