Ever wonder why you don't see empty seats at the Oscars? They employ people to sit in certain seats for a certain period of time and when the real occupant of that is ready to sit in that seat they get up and go somewhere else where they are needed. Seatfillers are not changing the world anytime soon. Seatfillers are not amassing a fortune. It is thankless work. They are simply there to keep up appearances . Convenience for the organization putting on the show. Window dressing.
For this blog , there will be no real names, no real pictures just real songs, real movies and real feelings . I met Cookie at a function a year ago. From August to May she simply became the person I interacted with the most. Good mornings, good nights , updates on the slightest things, meeting every Saturday or as she calls them "Saturdates" , frequent messages even when one of us was out of town. It was never romantic . I used to tell people who thought we were an item in front of her that she believes I am gay. In the NFL that might be called taking what the defense gives you. Suffice it say that I was enjoying the relationship enough that there was very little effort on my part to even hint at the next level.
What goes up must come down
What must rise must fall
And what goes on in your life
Is writing on the wall
The Alan Parsons Project
In the words of the immortal Dandy Don Meredith or was that Willie Nelson "Turn out the lights, the party's over They say that all good things must end". The analogy would be totally appropriate for those of you who attended an evening party that gets interrupted by a brownout/ power failure that ends up lasting till the morning. Speaking of "till morning". The week we started texting we got into a phone conversation that did go till about 7 AM, starting from about 11 PM . As I got to know Cookie better , I found out that her normal bedtime is around 8 -9 PM. She called me "my photographer". I did enjoy when this relationship kind of had a life of its own. What goes up must come down ,what must rise must fall. The thing is the fall sometimes hurts.
In the words of the immortal Dandy Don Meredith or was that Willie Nelson "Turn out the lights, the party's over They say that all good things must end". The analogy would be totally appropriate for those of you who attended an evening party that gets interrupted by a brownout/ power failure that ends up lasting till the morning. Speaking of "till morning". The week we started texting we got into a phone conversation that did go till about 7 AM, starting from about 11 PM . As I got to know Cookie better , I found out that her normal bedtime is around 8 -9 PM. She called me "my photographer". I did enjoy when this relationship kind of had a life of its own. What goes up must come down ,what must rise must fall. The thing is the fall sometimes hurts.
"We're two of a kind
Silence and I"
" Pride comes before the fall ".
You might be asking what triggered the fall ? As I begin to write this five weeks after the fact, you might know more than me. I was obviously very fond of this woman. Yes she was attractive , nice and intelligent. Still my gut was telling me that she gives " be careful what you wish for .... " vibes. There was no argument. There was no ultimatum . There was no hint. There were no threats. There were no yelling matches. Just total silence. The last message to me involved confirming a dentist appointment she set up. The messages were more spaced out ( in terms of intervals) than they used to be. Less details. Ironically there was also this:
This is obviously a very nice pasalubong / souvenir from her recent trip to Japan. Maybe too nice. We did a lot of eating out plus some movies and some museums. Again nothing romantic yet the division of financial responsibilities very strongly resembled the traditional male / female dating ritual. Something I accepted as the price for being around a regular friend whose company I enjoyed every week. Someone who I was always in touch with. More than one person mentioned we were "bagay" ( good fit) . You know that you really click with someone that when something comes up and they are the only person who will get the situation. A few weeks ago one of my favorite students I christened " Evil Genius" resumed our sessions. I had nobody to tell. Cookie once mentioned in writing totally unprovoked that I was a blessing. Some blessing I turned out to be for her. An Irish Goodbye is a parting gift for a "blessing"?
Every person who asked about this eventually ask "did you call her?" . Even if I did talk to her I assume I would not be talking to the same person I spent all that time with. When patterns change something is up. Something another friend years ago found out the hard way. It is almost like she is Trump and I am Elon Musk. Knowing what we know now- if you told me that the payoff for all those Saturdays of getting together was Cookie disappearing like the Statue of Liberty with David Copperfield less than a year later , a better use of my time would have been rereading the Tom Clancy Jack Ryan series.
You ask, "What have I done to deserve this?"
Well, you haven't done a thing
Falling in Love - Randy Newman
If you asked me what might be the one thing that is bothering me about this ( run on sentence alert) I might say that at some point Cookie made the conscious decision to sever all ties with me and after all we have been through it will be unilateral and no explanation necessary or offered. There are two sides to every story . You are hearing mine. If you hear hers then that makes one of us.
It's times like this I feel have to quote from that great philosopher John Rambo. In this relatively tranquil scene from the movie our hero hits upon something that is so obvious in real life : many of us are there not because we are valued. We are there because we are in the words of the Monkees "Stepping Stones.". We are there because we are "expendable" . Maybe it was my late brother Marty who pointed the significance of this scene out to me. I was probably too focused at the time on Julia Nickson.
For the sake of argument , let's say that no matter what is going on in her side, she would really hate to outright lie to me. One way not to tell a lie is to say nothing. Not even good morning . It seems like this course of action also excludes any scintilla of gratitude or anything resembling So Long, Farewell. Sam Kinison ( God rest his soul, Sam was a former preacher ) once told an elaborate joke how to get liquor in a sleepy town at 430 AM. He tried convincing the hotel manager to serve alcohol past the time the law would allow. Inspired by his self proclaimed genius he called up a limousine service and asked for a ride to the airport. He also clarified that the cars had their own bar for the guests. Two limousines show up at his hotel , the drivers are financially compensated then he reveals the charade. There is no ride to the airport and thanks for coming . We just want the liquor. In the end the limousine drivers received honesty and gratitude. In the words of that great musical Hamilton " It must be nice! ".
"Friendship is all I have to offer." She said this early on in the relationship. I really gave her no reason to overtly remind me since then. My best friend for that period of time doesn’t care I am lamenting her loss. So I am lamenting it here in this blog. She said that friendship is all she had to offer. Considering she made like Amelia Earhart seems like she also offers ghosting at no extra charge.
The dreaded Youtube algorithm. You run into something interesting and you watch it then maybe it can be used in a blog that seems unrelated. The eye catching title was : At 78, Steven Spielberg Names The Six Actors He HATED the Most You learn about actors that have had prominent parts in Spielberg films and could have been more. When you actually watch the video, the word "hated" is really clickbait. There is no documentation of the director ever going on record about the six actors mentioned. It seems the reoccuring theme on how it all ended was there was no fight and the phone stopped ringing. Quoting from the video " walks away without a word." Remind you of anything?
The beauty of having an uncle who is a cinephile is you get invited to watch movies you normally would not watch and a lot of them turn out to be really good. Some of those movies even ended up here. There was this movie that came out in 2012 called The Attack. With a worldwide gross of under three million dollars , I doubt many of you have seen it. The main character is a respected surgeon who happens to be a Palestinian that lives in Tel Aviv, There is a huge explosion and he is devasted to learn his wife was in the market where it happened. During the investigation process the surgeon is totally blindsided when the authorities suspect his wife as being the suicide bomber behind the blast. You can guess that the rest of the movie is spent on the main character wondering what went wrong and why he couldn't see the signs and wondering who he was really married to. I was not married to Cookie or anything like that but I find myself relating to the surgeon just a little bit more with what unfolded in the last year. I find it interesting the tagline of the film is " Do you ever really know the one you love?"
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?
I kicked this off talking about seatfillers at the Oscars. The reigning Academy Award for Best Picture belongs to Anora. I was curious if this was worthy of the Oscar. Buying it online was quite cheap too . 50 pesos more than the 149 pesos it cost to rent. Come to think of it Cookie made me feel quite cheap with her hot potato stunt. The story involves a woman who works in a gentlemen's club who really gets involves with one of her customers. Since it is quite a recent movie, I will not overtly spoil the story with my next point. You will need a PC and a mouse to highlight the following text. We spare no expense at My Twisted View Of An Already Twisted World :
Ani works at the kind of place where husbands do not let their wives know they are going. A very young and very rich Vanya strolls into the establishment. He has fun with Ani. This leads to sessions outside the club and an invite to a New Year's Eve Party in Vanya's high end family home by the water. Eventually all this leads to a wedding in a Las Vegas Chapel.
At some point what goes up must come down . His parents could not have amassed all that wealth without being control freaks with goons. The parents fly out eventually to oversee an annulment. In between all this it becomes apparent that even if Ani ( Anora) is trying to avoid the goons and the family so she can remain married it seems Vanya was only interested in eluding the former. When the parents eventually get their way Ani sees her ex husband for the shallow jerk he really is. At this point I actually envy Ani. At least Vanya said "sorry."
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| Because of my quandary , I have to resort to philosophy from TV's most popular serial killer |
The TV show Dexter will always be a classic. One of the most memorable scenarios in the second season was the titular character faking a heroin addiction. Dexter is a bull$hit artist. The one person in the whole precinct who saw through his bs was Sgt. Doakes.
"Because why would someone pretend to be an addict. if he's not. unless he's got something a hell of a lot worse to hide."
Spoiler alert but Dexter was using the resources and access of Miami Metro to be the judge , jury and executioner of Miami's worst criminals. He would never admit to that so he faked being a serious heroin addict. Maybe Cookie has something to tell me as a friend that she can't . So one solution is to stop being friends. Just like Dexter admitting to be a heroin addict. BS about something serious so she does not have to confront the reality of something else serious. If I was being optimistic about Cookie ,then maybe this is a Kobayashi Maru. The no- win scenario for her. If I am being realistic then I am a pocket pager and she got her hands on an Iphone 16 Pro Max .
Earlier this year I introduced Cookie to someone I have known for a decade and a half. I was looking forward to the two of them meeting. Cookie and I were promised books my friend appeared in plus an introduction to her significant other. None of that materialized to this day. What did manifest the night of the meeting was an exorbitant bill even for one person. I was on the hook for two heads. I had zero say in the restaurant or what was ordered. I had no idea who the other people were other than those mentioned in this paragraph. I only bring this up because Cookie upon learning the facts the next day thought someone in that group took advantage of me. Looking back on the ashes of what was once our friendship , I remember a famous line from Julius Caesar.
I come to you, defenses down
with the trust of a child
Red Rain - Peter Gabriel
In the classic film The Wrath Of Khan , the Reliant was able to hurt The Enterprise because of an error in judgment by James T. Kirk. There was a distress call from a scientific research space station Regula 1. Kirk's ship responded to it and on the approach runs into another Federation starship called the Reliant. Communications were not established and the Enterprise continued their approach. Kirk did not err on the side of the caution. He assumed a fellow Starship officer was in command . Khan Noonien Singh was actually in command. A man seething in hate for James T. Kirk. This mistake lead to crippling blows from short range. No time to defend. That is exactly the point when you get close to someone. Your shields are never up. They can hurt you far worse than your enemies can. You are comfortable with your friends. Once in a while phasers and photo torpedoes go right into your unshielded hull.
Why write this? Besides the obvious answer of catharsis? I am a far cry from a comedian. Try looking at some popular ones whether it is Rodney Dangerfield, Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock. The great Gus Borden once said " Tragedy + time = comedy ". The inspiration for their material comes from being in uncomfortable situations. Cookie's out of nowhere trip to the Bermuda Triangle definitely made me uncomfortable. Aristotle said "Nature abhors a vacuum." I really have no information on this but something tells me Cookie is not exactly experiencing a vacuum. A logical explanation that results in me being discarded unceremoniously.
Was I the limo service that Sam Kinison was talking about earlier? Pressed into duty under false pretenses only for the real agenda to be revealed later? Life is balance and life finds balance. Maybe this was a market correction. It was Elvis who said
" You know someone said that the world's a stage and each of us must play a part"
As far as Cookie is concerned the part I must play is the part of seatfiller. At least I saw enough movies.